~sometimes~

Dear You,


Sometimes you succeed. Sometimes you fail. Sometimes failure seems inevitable in a situation where you can't afford to. Sometimes your apartment smells no matter how little occupies your fridge and pantries, no matter how many times you empty the garbage and run the disposal. The stench still haunts you after you blow out your candles.Sometimes you have a laundry list of things to do, but that fatigue makes it a lot harder to check even one thing off. Sometimes the floor has crumbs all over it and the tables have rings. Sometimes, on your week off you get a fever for which the doctors cannot find a cause. Sometimes it just so happens that the weather is perfect for a change, but you're stuck in doors - doctor's orders. Sometimes you're exhausted as hell even after a full night's rest and you don't know why. Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night from a dream where your supervisor snapped and reminded you that you're not doing well. Sometimes it feels like you're not going to meet expectations. Sometimes you get scared you’re wasting your parents money, and all you’ll ever be is a spoiled failure. Sometimes you feel like this entire week could disappear and it wouldn't even make a difference. Sometimes you feel like you could disappear and it wouldn’t even make a difference. Sometimes you miss a text from someone significant, and now you're afraid he thinks you didn't want to see him this morning when that's all you ever really crave. Sometimes you’re afraid he’ll get tired of babysitting you, and then it’ll be awkward when we run into each other in the parking lot. Sometimes you’re afraid to be needy, so you don’t show him how much you want him. Sometimes you are given more than you give back. Sometimes you feel bad when people compliment you and say you’re deserving because you know it’s not true. Sometimes you hate being called pretty because you know the more closely he looks at you, the more ugly he’s going to find. Sometimes you lose motivation. So much so it’s at a point where you’re close to not passing a class, and yet you’re not studying for a huge exam in five days. Sometimes the failure seeps into your bones and becomes your identity. Sometimes there’s a hole in the brick wall you built to keep the failure out, and it slivers through it. The success just politely waits outside. Sometimes you sit in your castle and wonder why you feel this way. You shouldn’t. Sometimes this makes you feel worse. Sometimes not even your favorite poets can help you. Sometimes you stand in front of the mirror and gaze into your desert eyes just looking for life. Sometimes it all happens at once. Sometimes it all adds up, and then you start crying which is weird because you haven't felt your own tears fall down your foundation face since that one day in high school you wanted to kill yourself (but nobody knows that because sometimes people think you're being dramatic or just want attention). Then sometimes, after the tears start falling, and you let the pain hurt, you realize you're wishing for help. For kind words. For a process. For success. For life. And sometimes, that's all you need to know you're going to be okay.


That and the right text from your best friend helps, too.


From,

Me

©2018 by Amanda Lorraine.